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The irrelevancies of life
Age: "Old Enough"
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Zodiac Sign: Aries
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The irrelevancies of life
A public place for me to vent private stuff... Oh and be an attention whore. ;)
Saturday, 10 January 2009

Public Service Announcement  2009-01-10

Mercury will be going retrograde in 2009 on:
January 11th until February 1st.
May 7th to May 31st.
September 7th to September 29th.
December 26th to January 15th [2010].

What does that mean? Are you having problems being understood? Having arguments with siblings? Do you normally find communication easy, and suddenly it feels like your tongue is wrapped up in cotton? Welcome to Mercury Retrograde?

One of the side-effects of this retrograde is to re-experience unresolved issues/problems/crisis concerning relationships. It's important to try and focus attention on the reality of the present rather than on losing oneself to the past and past experiences. Basically this retrograde is concerned with relationships and communication.

By transit, this planet goes retrograde 3 times a year [although in 2009 it will go retrograde 4 times] and statistically goes retrograde more often in Fire signs than any other. I believe Air was next in line regarding frequency (But, I'm not sure so don't quote me on that statistic). This stat has lead me to believe these retrograde periods were meant to be a time of reflection and inspiration (fire), marking it as a period of time for the inculcation of all we experience. Sort of an opportunity to get oneself back on track; to look at the reality of choices, etc.

Mercury is the thinker and we need to step back and think about where we are going every now and then. Lucky for us Mercury offers us 3-4 times a year to get ourselves back on track during each year. I've come to the conclusion that many times communication is delayed for a very good reason. While it may be frustrating if you do not use the period of time for reflection, it can certainly be a great benefit to the attainment of goals to step back and 'think" about things for a moment.

Not only can this period delay mail, the signing of contracts, the phone won't ring, the email won't arrive, it will cause all manner of havoc with the sending and receiving of communication. Not so much arguments (that is Mars retro), but definitely misunderstandings that wouldn't normally occur will pop up during this time.

We feel out of sync with our ability to 'tell' people who we are and what we want, and we also feel we don't understand others. That's probably because we don't understand them right now. And maybe we're not supposed to, maybe this is a time to pull in and reassess 'who we are'.

In other words it is time to have a talk with ourselves.

Mercury Retrogrades are key to developing an accurate picture of our inner life, the manner in which we analyze things, how we look at them, how our minds communicate to us about the environment, and most importantly how we interpret what we see and hear. All of this is the domain of Mercury. We feel scattered and even out of control of the most basic of functions -- communication. Unfortunately, this is normal for this period. We might hate it, but it is normal.

It is a time to reevaluate what we think about, how we think, and why we think about it. All of this leads us to a better understanding of who we really are. The 3 retrogrades each year offer us short period of time to do a reality check with our inner self using the mental body as a tool to do the evaluation. It can be a mini intensive of therapy or it can be your worst nightmare. It all depends on your actual state of mind and the environment you find yourself in. Whatever the experience is, know that it is a short period of time and that "This too shall end".

People experience a retrograde differently but basically fall into three types of experience. Planets will manifest in one of the 3 following ways:

1. Constantly jumping ahead, trying to live the future NOW. The native is constantly trying to make the future occur NOW.

2. Feelings of Déjà vu dominate the life experiences.

3. Looking ahead to a future that the native has already lived or in other words constantly repeating past experiences. Regression into former loves whose memories carry strongly into the present incarnation. This type of retrograde process acts as a constant repetition of past life events that were left unresolved. The native in this instance is not living in present time.

Things to try and avoid:

Try to avoid making important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to deal with everyday occurrence that would have never bothered us, or we would have let them go at another time.

Mercury retrograde sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organization as well as our external planning.

Why am I telling you all this... I don't know I thought it might help, but mostly I wrote it for myself. Sometimes even astrologers need to remember they are under the same influences the rest of you are.
Caitriona posted @ 17:13 - Link - comments

Monday, 17 November 2008
So, I find I have a renewed interest in watching ER this year.  It is the last year of the series and they are having old cast members do cameo roles.  Sort of a walk down memory lane.  This last Thursday there was an episdoe featuring Anthony Edwards [old cast mate] and Angela Bassett [new cast mate] about the loss of her son.

There was one scene where Bassett is talking, and she says [paraphrase]... When you lose your parents you're called an Orphan.  When you lose a spouse you're called a Widow or a Widower.  But there is no word when a parent loses a child.

It made me really stop and think.  It was such a simple statement and yet so profound.  There is no word for it.  Maybe it is just so terrible that no one ever thought to make a word for it.  Maybe the thought of it alone made linguists run screaming from the room, and so, no word exists.  I wonder if it exists in other languages or cultures.  I wonder.

There was another scene where the Bassett character is talking with her husband.  She says [paraphrased again] that she tried to look at what she had left.  That she loved him.  That she knew there was a lot of life left to live... BUT, she could to let go of her child.  Let go of the hope that she would hold him again one day.  It was the way she delivered the lines.  Her countenance was filled with the sadness of her loss.  Her character seldom smiles.  She is serious all the time.  She lives with the death of her child and there is no word to describe what that is.  I was amazed at how good the acting was, but more amazed that the writers knew how to write a scene like that.  It was scary accurate.

I related to those scenes a lot.  Not the sentiment, but the demeanor.  I do not hang on to the hope that I will hold him again one day, although the most common memory I have is one where he runs up to me and jumps up into my arms.  It's not that I want to hold on.  It's not that I don't want to live what is left of my reasonably good life.  I do.  But something happened that changed me the day he died.  I became serious.  Life became serious.  Maybe life became too real for me.  I don't know.

It's not hanging on to anything in particular -- at least it isn't for me.  What it is, is, that I have been changed because of his death.  Changed in ways that I can't undo.  Whatever direction my life would have taken had he lived, has been forever altered.  Whatever I would have been had he lived has been altered as well. I cannot change that.  

I am a parent that has lost her only child.  And, I find it incredibly sad that there is no word to describe what I am now.
Caitriona posted @ 17:44 - Link - comments (2)

Monday, 03 November 2008
Just one more day to go until the election.  It would almost be anti-climatic if the stakes weren't so high this time around.  I'm weary of politics, or at least election politics.  After 2000 and 2004, I've come to the conclusion that in the battle to win, politicians actually forget about serving the people.  Oh, they all say 'they know what the American People want', but they seldom remember that once elected and they never seem to listen to what is actually important to us. 

We've all been driven into one of two corals.  Herded there with slogans and ideologies that, bottom line, have very little to do with our daily lives.  But the slogans keep us from asking better questions, and as long as they can herd us into one of the two camps, things will remain exactly the same.  We'll just have different people singing the same tune.

I wish we really had public servants.  Men and women who knew how the hell service actually  works.  We've been marched to this exact spot to cast an admittedly important vote, but the post election letdown will be the same as always I fear.  I've never seen a candidate get elected and keep his/her virtue.  NEVER.  I hope I am wrong.  I really do.  But I've never seen it.  Any politician who made the choice to keep his or her virtue, left politics [one way or the other].  That should tell us something, but we all tend to ignore the blatant message that can be found in that truth. 

Maybe we expect too much, and maybe we just don't want to look at the way power in Washington works.  Maybe we are all naive and shouldn't be allowed to vote until we do understand exactly how power works in Washington.  Whatever the case may be, I hope we can turn things aorund.  I hope we don't expect it to happen over night.  I hope we can do our part and show some uncharacteristic patience with our newly elected officials.  I hope, but, I remain only cautiously optimistic.

I'm glad Obama will probably win.  Not so much because I have great faith in him like many Obama-maniacs, but because I believe in taking power away from those who have abused it.  All we have is the power to throw the bums out of office.  That's all we can do, but sometimes if we are wise, it is all we need to do.  I remain firmly committed to throwing the current winners out of office if they abuse their power as well.  It is the only message any of them understand.  I watch.  I wait.  I learn.  I am patient.  No one has to rescue the nation over night, but they do have to serve the nation.  And, if it becomes the same tune with a different master, I will work as feverishly as I did this election to throw the next crop of bad public servants out of office.

As a nation of voters, we make the only move we're allowed to on the chess board.  We're pawns, and as soon as we mark the X we are expendable--UNTIL THE NEXT ELECTION.  All we have is our vote.  Our vote is the only way we can 'change anything' or 'keep it the same if we like it'. 


VOTE people.  Vote for the candidate of your choice, BUT VOTE.  Please!!!

.... Switching gears a little

I'm emotionally drained a little.  I didn't notice this creeping feelings of sadness until last night.  I don't think it is a post election melt down.  I do think it is an increasing awareness of the consequences of some of my life decisions over the past 10 years. 

I'm not saying I made any mistakes, in fact, the last 10 years have been full of decisions I don't regret at all.  I can't say as much for the decisions I made when I was younger.  This last 10 years, I made choices, I knew why I made them, and consequences and all, I'm OK with those decisions.  Oddly enough, I'm sad that I'm OK with them.  Some of them have left me quite alone.  I'm not whining.  I made the decision to work for myself, to live alone, to isolate myself while I was mourning the death of my son, etc.  I made those decisions and looking back I see I made the right choices for "me".  So this is not a whine or a 'poor pitiful me' saga.  I'm just surprised and a little sad that I'm not more aggressive or ambitious about putting more into my life.  I used to want so much, and now I need and want so little.

I'm an American for crying out loud.  Aren't we supposed to be ambitious and a little greedy?  Aren't we supposed to be competitive?  Why do I feel so European all of a sudden?  I used to be VERY ambitious.  LOL  Alas, I traded it all in for some peace and quiet.  Try as I might to feel bad about that, I just don't.  I needed peace and quiet.  I am sad that I need it more than I need anything else.  What does that really say about me?

I mean, look at that.  How damaged do you have to be to only want peace and quiet?  I wonder just how screwed up I really am, or if I somehow found some big fucking secret that no one else has discovered.  That inner peace is the only thing worthwhile in the end. 

N'ah.  I doubt I am that smart.  I'm just hiding from the big bad world because it has hurt me one too many times.  I needed to heal, and so I withdrew.  I guess it's still not time for me to pop my head outside the door yet.  But it makes me sad that I don't want to do more, have more, and be more.  Not sad enough to change anything, but sad just the same.

Maybe it is just the holiday blues hitting me early.

*sigh*  Oh well.  This too shall pass.
Caitriona posted @ 19:59 - Link - comments

Friday, 10 October 2008
I don't really know what I'm feeling right now.  World markets are tanking and I'm losing what I have invested.  We're supposed to work and save right?  We're supposed to do the right thing, be thrifty, responsible, etc., and we'll be OK in our old age, right?

Not so much I fear.

And I am afraid.  I only have my own income.  I rent, and now I have to worry if the owner is making his mortgage payments.  If he defaults, I could be evicted even though I pay my rent.  If I ran things, I'd leave everyone in their homes and apartments just to keep millions off the streets and homeless.  The drain on the infrastructure will be even more severe with people out of their homes.  

It's not the 1930's when the population was 123 million people according to the 1930 census.  A 25% unemployment rate meant that approximately  30 million people were out of work.  It's 2008 and according to the 2000 census there are 281,421,906 people making the current unemployment rate of 6.1% unemployment 17 million+ already.  At 25% unemployment that will leave 70+ million people unemployed.  And that does not count illegal aliens.

Where are 70 million people going to live?  Even if they are on the streets, the public health issue is enormous.  Keeping the peace staggering under these conditions.  There aren't many places to pitch a tent any longer, and even if there were... 70 million people!!  Think about it.

And so I am afraid.  Not of being one of the 70 million, but for what that kind of poverty and homelessness will do to the nation.  There is such contempt for the poor and homeless now.  We see those people on the corners.  They are dirty.  They smell.  Now think about millions of people standing on the corner asking to work for food.  Not only do we have to deal with our own fear for our personal future, but we're all going to have to confront what compassion still resides in our hearts.  How much can we give to help a neighbor?  Will we rise as a nation to help our neighbors, or will we turn our heads and hold our nose at the smell of poverty and hopelessness.

The homeless know something we don't know.  They know it can happen to any of us.  Any of us can find ourselves ruined and on the street.  I wonder if this catastrophe will soften our hearts or harden them even further.

We live in interesting times.  I wonder what we will all find out about ourselves in these times.
Caitriona posted @ 18:13 - Link - comments (2)

Monday, 06 October 2008
I wonder if I will ever have what I want
Or if fate will leave me to suffer and know
What could be, but will never have or touch
I wonder if patience has always been my lesson
If waiting has been my yoke to bear
The way Job wore his sackcloth.

The days begin getting shorter as Autumn arrives
And the nights linger, embracing the dark  
There's a metaphor for life in there someplace  
Fall is like middle age  
The longer days behind me--mere memories  
The nights stretching out before me--empty

Most of all I wonder
Is it my fate to look to the horizon and only imagine?
The life that causes so many to rejoice and lament
In alternating fits of love and anger
Something that is only an ethereal mist to me
It slips from my grasp leaving me to find substance with others

I find all of my joy in sharing bits of my life
And those that love me listen and enjoy the tale
I am loved.  There is always that. Yes, I am truly loved.
But I do not live my life with anyone.  
There are no arms to hold me
In the end, I wonder if the only thing I really share

--is my loneliness.
Caitriona posted @ 17:57 - Link - comments (2)

Sunday, 05 October 2008
I should have posted this before, but a PSA is never too late.

Mercury is retrograde from September 24, 1:17 AM  MDT, at  22 degrees 50 minutes Libra (The Rx effect begins September 17.)until October 15, 2:06 PM MDT,  Direct at 7  degrees 34 minutes Libra. (The Rx effect lasts through Oct. 20.)

As to an example of mercury retrograde just look at the Congress in the US regarding this bail out.  I've never seen a better example of what a retrograde can do.

I'm just sayin'.  Whatever Congress does now, while Mercury is Retro, will have to be done all over again later.  It's just the way it is.
Caitriona posted @ 20:18 - Link - comments (2)

Monday, 22 September 2008
OK, so I never really watch morning TV, even though I work from home and usually have the TV on.  It's just background noise.  I love music too much, and if I play the radio, or my music, I get distracted from work and sing along, or go down memory lane, or some such.  Hence, the TV.

Anyway, I'm working away and suddenly the TV catches my attention.  Bill Clinton was going to be on "The View" after the commercial.  OK, so I love to listen to that man speak.  He has a style that I respond to, and a grasp of issues that I find absolutely captivating.  With all of his known and possibly unknown faults, he still is the most interesting politician I've ever heard.  

So, what's a girl to do?  I took a break and watched.

There is a part of me that knows it was not all that good during the Clinton years.  I know that.  I remember.  He had his faults.  But... [oh you knew it was coming],  it is so nice to listen to a man speak extemporaneously with such authority and leadership.  I love his brain, and for those that know me, that is the best part of a man in my opinion.

It isn't just the art of a politician and I think I realized that today.  It is the art of competence.  Love him or hate him, agree with his policies or not, he was competent.  He knew it and we knew it.  He knows and understands the world and economic stage, and by that sheer knowledge he can speak to people and make them feel better about his leadership.  It's no surprise he remains so popular among Democrats.  He is the kind of leader we need every time we elect someone.

Oh I don't mean him specifically, but politicians who have the same kind of understanding and competence.  Have the ability to reassure the population and lead us through difficult times.  That's what we need.  It doesn't matter if we'd feel good having a beer with a politician.  What maters is that he or she can speak to our problems, explain solutions, and enact those solutions.

I miss him.  I really do.  Especially given all the problems we have now.

So, I played hooky and watched him for almost an hour and I'm a happy camper.
Caitriona posted @ 18:54 - Link - comments

Wednesday, 17 September 2008
So, I was standing in line at the bank this morning and it occurred to me that it was September 17.  Tomorrow is September 18.  Most of you will now be saying "Well, d'uh", but I am slower than most in the month of September.

The first rolls around and I'm overcome with the blues regarding Labor Day, my son's death, and then what would have been his birthday just four days later.  It's like a trifecta of pain for me.

Anyway, it occurred to me while I was waiting in line, that by the time I get to the 18th, I'm out of my blues.  Even though the first part is so very painful and took so much from me, the 18th is symbolic for what was given to me.  It's that gift I celebrate now.  I'll never be able to leave all the pain behind.  It's implanted in my consciousness now.  It would be for anyone.  But, there is a light that has been brought into my life.  A joy I've never known and never could have imagined, and it is that joy that now is also part of September.

So, I'm taking that day selfishly as my gift to me.  I know he will understand.  I find great joy to remember that day and what it means to me.  A great gift was created; a gift to me that is equal and opposite from the pain of the 6th and the 10th.  

This is the first year I've realized this.  I tread the pain of the beginning of this month, but I now realize that there is joy just a few days later.   There is a great piece of wisdom in there some place, but I just want to enjoy the discovery right now.  I'll think about the deeper meanings later.
Caitriona posted @ 19:19 - Link - comments

Tuesday, 16 September 2008
I feel pretty!

That's all.  

I just wanted to say that.

I FEEL pretty today.

Something about hearing "Hi gorgeous" on the other end of the phone that just makes me smile and feel pretty.
Caitriona posted @ 20:40 - Link - comments (2)

My horoscope for today:

"Your inner power is probably at an all-time high, dear Aries. You should be feeling especially confident, and you're likely to have a stronger influence on others than you usually do. You could also find yourself exercising the power of mind-over-matter. You could find yourself thinking of something, only to have it actually happen at some point during the day. Therefore, today you should guard your thoughts, and be careful what you wish for. You just might get it!"

Promises, promises!!!!!
Caitriona posted @ 20:17 - Link - comments

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